It is very common to hear narratives of soulmates, twin flames, karmic mates, and predestined love, and we have multiple explanations about their nature, differences and the unique experience that each provides. However, the relationships we have in our lives are complex in nature. They are deeply embedded and motivated by our biochemistry, genetics, environment and especially by our psychology.
When we delve into psychological concepts like limerence, attachment theory, and cognitive biases, it is easier to understand why it is easy to fall prey to beliefs like love at first sight, past-life connection and soul recognition.
Not that I do not honour genuine soul experiences and synchronicities; however, with countless people searching for that one half to complete their existence, I increasingly feel the need to jolt them back to reality. While we should let our intuition guide us, we should avoid letting delusion take over. Similarly, we should not let our longing impersonate love.
I totally get my kin and community when they recount the phenomenon of passion, perfectionism and the intense push-pull they feel about their counterparts, twin flame or soul connections, for which I have profound respect. However, when the same soul’s journey turns out to be bitter, unappreciated, undervalued, neglected, disregarded, sometimes exploited and clouded with questions about self-worth, then it’s surely not a connection for the soul’s growth.
Limerence is an answer to the people who look back at the wreckage of emotional debris after a tumultuous crisis phase in their so-called soul connections, never to meet or see their counterparts. It is oftentimes labelled as a spiritual connection, but is nothing but biochemistry at play. Mimicking addiction, limerence is a neurochemical drama driven by dopamine and norepinephrine – the reason why somebody in a twin flame relationship experiences the intense push-pull phenomenon, most of the time misinterpreting it as a cosmic connection. However, these passionate feelings arise from ‘intermittent reinforcement,’ a psychological pattern that reinforces addictive, obsessive, or persistent behaviour.
Here are some ways to find out if the connection you feel drawn to honours your soul growth or is just another U-turn to your soul pattern.
1. Give it Time
Like a seed needs optimal conditions to sprout, similarly, it takes time to fathom if a relationship is meant to stay or fade away. Do not rush to conclusions when you meet someone who brings out that “meant-to-be” or “divine connection” vibe. Breathe through it, let it pass through the test of time. But while you give it time, avoid idealization, do not ignore the red flags or overlook the signs. A twin flame’s eyes may be a mirror to your soul, but if they are not emotionally available, then it is just a mirror to your karmic patterns and not a counterpart.
While some bonds do feel fated, like déjà vu or fated echoes, use your discernment to identify destiny (karmic imprints) from emotional dependency.
Use this Discernment Question:
What does this connection inspire – my wholeness or my hunger?
2. Reevaluate Inner Child Issues
Many times, the reason why we chase unavailable love lies deep within our childhood psyche. That’s called the ‘abandonment paradox’. If our parents were detached or disconnected or inconsistent in showing love, our neurons learn that ‘love is not easily available’ or ‘it’s ok to wait for love to be earned’ or ‘I need to prove my devotion for me to be worthy of love.’ This conditioning reinforces intermittent reward, wherein our parents’ occasional care feels like divine connections. Also, a compulsive tendency forms where the unresolved childhood wounds rekindle with a hope that one day I will ‘win’ love. This wires us to confuse longing for love. Thus, somebody obsessed with spiritually awakened love, but an avoidant counterpart is not fixated with the counterpart but longing for that deep childhood ache for their parents’ reciprocation of their love!
Use this Discernment Question:
Am I suffering or evolving in love?
3. Unworthiness – The Hole in the Soul
Unworthiness is a deep-rooted belief that one does not deserve love, respect, success, happiness, and all the good things in life. It is often rooted in negative experiences, neglected needs or conditioning from the past or society. It can manifest as self-doubt, victimization, self-sabotage or settling for less than what one truly desires or deserves.
This emptiness is what draws us to a concept of ‘fated love’ or ‘divine counterpart’ who is believed to fill that gap, the empty vessel and complete us. However, no soulmate can complete us; they can only conspire with our wholeness. Instead of falling for illusory bonds, we should rather build our worthiness to discern between connections that drain the soul instead of nourishing us. Developing our worthiness is the first step in ensuring that we do not look for others to complete us rather know that we are whole and complete within ourselves. No external relationship can fill inner emptiness! We should honour synchronicities; however, if a connection cannot meet us with presence, then it’s only a teacher and not a partner. In such a case, we should honour our worth and walk away from breadcrumbs.
Use this Discernment Question:
Is the connection collaborating with my wholeness or compensating for my void?
A Discernment Checklist
A trauma bond is when two people share a deep yet unhealthy bond due to similar emotional wounds, like abandonment, abuse, addiction, etc. Such a connection is rooted in mutual pain. Check out the list below to find out whether your soul contract is sacred or a suffering.
| Synchonicity | Sacred Truth | Trauma Trap |
|---|---|---|
| “We see the same dreams.” | Shared spiritual harmony | Projection of unfulfilled needs |
| “We keep coming back to each other.” | Learn karmic lessons | Compulsive patterns |
| “I can feel their energy even when we are not together.” | Non-local consciousness | Anxious attachment style |
| “They trigger my wounds.” | Mirror to heal | Secondary gain |
Synchronicities are real; however, they are like directional posts and not the destination. Look out for where it is pointing. The universe will never ask you to suffer in love, but to evolve in love.
Reiki Ritual to Release Unavailable Bonds & Invite Aligned Love
1. Honor the Connection
- Channel Reiki (use SHK).
- Visualize the person and write their name on a piece of paper.
- Express, “I honour the connection between us. I accept the lessons you brought. I release my attachments and hopes from this connection.”
- Either burn the paper or bury it in soil as a symbolic return to the earth.
2. Cut Cords
- Visualize a golden thread between you and the other person.
- Say “I cut all cords across time, space, dimension that binds me to lack. Only light remains.”
- Imagine scissors to sever the thread (use Raku if attuned) or use your hands to pull it out gently.
- Visualize white light replacing the severed area in your aura.
3. Integrate Childhood Wounds
- Place your hands on your Heart Chakra and visualize your younger, deprived self. Channel Reiki (use Halu and Harth if attuned, else use SHK & HSZSN).
- Express to yourself, “I know why we clung to crumbs. It is not by choice but by conditioning. We release the need for validation.”
- Visualize hugging your younger version, a physical reparenting gesture.
- Tell yourself, “We deserve a feast, not breadcrumbs; we will have it now!”
4. Invite the Sacred
- Write a SMART letter to the Universe, which is specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound.
- Use sensory-specific words like –
“I am ready for love that is [calm, playful, mature, deep].”
“I will recognize it by these actions [consistency, respect, shared growth].”
5. Daily Anchoring
- Each morning before starting the day and before going to bed at night, read out your SMART letter for at least 21 days and let the Universe do its magic.
However, it is good to remember that chivalry begins at home; likewise, sacred connections begin within. Worthiness is the first step in receiving, attracting and manifesting sacred partnerships. A true soul connection will bond over soul growth; they will reflect your light back to you.
Article by Reiki Master Supriya Nair
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Dr. Supriya Nair, IMD, PhD has been a Reiki and Kriya Yoga practitioner since 2008. A conduit between the scientific and spiritual worlds, Dr. Supriya has a profound fascination for the healing arts. Apart from holding the title of Usui Reiki Master Teacher, Dr. Supriya is a certified Health Coach and proficient in various integrative medicine modalities. She is also the author of "Train Your Brain to Unchain Your Pain."
To get in touch with Dr. Supriya, you can reach out via email at suprianair@gmail.com or connect with her on Facebook at facebook.com/supriyanair111 and on Instagram at instagram.com/proconscious.cafe.
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