One of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make in my life was having to end a relationship with my mother.
Several years ago, I had to make the painful decision that I would no longer visit my mother or speak to her on the phone. The behavior made it difficult to spend quality time with her and due to this, I had limited this relationship to just texting. Every year I would send her a Mother’s Day card, birthday card, and Christmas card which would include a check. If she needed financial assistance I would send her money. It just came to the point in my mid-thirties that I had to set a very strong boundary for my own mental and emotional health.
Growing up in a church and relying on my faith, this decision to cut ties was very difficult as one of the Commandments is Honor your father and your mother; a commandment found in the New Testament (Ephesians 6:1) This was drilled into me as a child through Sunday School and with my grandparents speaking this over me to honor my mother.
Part of honoring your parents is respecting, obeying, expressing gratitude, seeking counsel from your Council, assisting when they need help and accepting who they are. I tried very hard to do all of these things; however, as an adult, when I hit my 30s, it became very challenging. It reached the point that I had to ask myself: What happens when the relationship is so toxic, yet it is with your parents?
What happens when that parent is a very negative influence in your life? What happens when that parent is doing something that is not beneficial and begins to alter their behavior into someone you no longer know? How much negativity and disrespect do you take, especially when you are an adult with your own family, and it begins to affect your marriage and children?
In my experience, it has always been placed upon me that I needed to fix it or I needed to just put up with it. From family members to my mother’s friends, the response would be, “But it’s your mother.” No matter how bad the behavior, I should be grateful for her sacrifices and contributions to my life. That was the collective response. I found myself pulling the weight to keep the relationship going despite the criticism of not doing or being enough.
Part of honoring a parent is accepting them as who they are with unconditional love. At what point does offering unconditional love become enabling the behavior?
Ending a relationship with a parent goes against everything religiously, culturally, and socially in this world. Even if the relationship is hanging by a shoestring, the norm is that it’s your parent. Rarely do I ever get asked what my parent did to me that caused me to make this difficult decision. The blame falls 100% on me.
This has been difficult in the way that I have the guilt from how I was raised in the church. How the values of my grandparents were instilled in me to respect my elders. It is especially difficult as I have two very dear friends who have lost their mother, and they grieve them very deeply, yet I have a mother who is alive and I have mindfully chosen not to have a relationship with her. From shame to guilt, there are a lot of emotions to unpack when having to step back from a relationship with someone who has a biological connection to you. I found myself going through a grieving process, especially when there were milestone events in my life that I wished my parents could share with me.
If you have found yourself in this situation, how can you navigate forward? As a Reiki Practitioner or Master Teacher, you can use Reiki to help guide you and heal throughout different stages of your life, from the inner child to the teenager to the young adult where you are today. As I brought in Self-Reiki, I found the energy helped me with my culturally created self. It assisted in shredding the shame and guilt over me. It took patience and time for me to finally get to a place where I was at peace with this decision. I heard some helpful tips that I have learned along.
- Check in with how you’re feeling. Honor those feelings that you’re feeling. Your feelings are valued despite what religion, society, and culture tell you.
- If it is causing you to have low vibrations, such as shame and guilt, self-reliance is the key. Bring in your mental symbol and your distant symbol.
- Ask for healing in your inner child to give yourself divine compassion and grace.
- Send Reiki to your parents, silently ask the universe for permission.
- As you were giving Reiki, you can express gratitude to that parent for any sacrifices that they made or contributions.
- Ask Reiki to assist you in letting go of the expectations you had for the relationship.
- Give yourself grace and time, especially if you had an idea of what you thought or imagined the relationship to be. Remember, this is a loss of a relationship, expectation, and hope. Give yourself grace as you go through milestones or come across reminders of your parents.
- As you explain to other people when they ask about your parent, you can honor your parents by watching how you word your response and avoid oversharing if there is drama involved, especially in family or friend circles.
As you deal with emotions that will arise in your life regarding your parents, take a moment, breathe, and give yourself Reiki. Before you react, give yourself Reiki. As you continue to weave Reiki into your life as a lifestyle, it will help you navigate emotions as they arise. In giving myself Reiki it enabled me to come up with other ways to help honor my mother and to help heal from the guilt of the decision that was necessary for me.
Article by Tracy Searight
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Tracy Searight is an educator, Yoga Instructor, Reiki Master Teacher, Reiki Grandmaster Teacher, Author, and creative energy behind the podcast Ready Set Reiki. She is the owner of Feather Sister which offers Yoga and Reiki classes and training online and in person in the El Paso, Texas area. She lives in El Paso with her husband Kevin Dibert and their cavalier king Charles Spaniels. www.feathersister.com
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